Brand New Nation:
The Founding Fathers and the Retail Wars that Shaped America
When he founded T.J. Maxx, Thomas Jefferson had no way of knowing he was radically altering the course of history. Soon thereafter, John Marshall founded Marshalls, Aaron Burr founded Burrlington Coat Factory, Alexander Hamilton founded Hamm’s Beer, and other founding fathers followed suit.
The ensuing retail warfare claimed lives, shifted borders, and gifted us the system of values that has made our nation a great success. Brand New Nation offers a fresh, revisionist take on America’s proud history of free enterprise, with illustrations that put the reader on the front lines of retail warfare, in all its terrifying glory.
So crack a Hamm’s, curl up in your favorite bathrobe from T.J. Maxx or Marshalls or Burrlington Coat Factory, and enjoy the ride!
MEET THE PRESS
The White House Press Corps was gathered in the T.J. Maxx White House, where Thomas Jefferson stood at the podium. It was his first press conference as President.
TOM: I assume you’re all here for the sale?
[Laughter]
TOM: I kid, but in all seriousness, consider checking out the deals when we’re done. I think you’ll find some worthy bargains. Now I’m ready for questions.
REPORTER 1: Some of the American people may be getting to know you for the first time. How would you describe your political philosophy?
TOM: States’ rights. Fiscally conservative, socially liberal. Pro-bargains.
REPORTER 2: In your acceptance speech, you stated your desire to serve all Americans, Republican and Federalist. Does that same spirit of reconciliation extend to your brand?
TOM: I encourage all Americans, both Republican and Federalist, to shop at T.J. Maxx. I think they’ll like what they find.
REPORTER 2: What I meant was, what about Marshalls?
TOM: Next question.
REPORTER 3: Mr. President, some in the North say that you and your campaign received and continue to receive an unfair advantage from slavery. You own many slaves.
TOM: Nobody takes a backseat to Tom Jefferson when it comes to opposing slavery. Slavery is wrong.
REPORTER 4: What would you say to those who are upset that you turned the White House into a T.J. Maxx.
TOM: Give me a break. It’s right next to the National Mall.
REPORTER 5: Will you be repealing the Alien and Sedition Acts?
TOM: I’m glad you asked. I’d like to announce that not only will I be repealing the un-American Alien and Sedition Acts next Tuesday, but all next week, overalls at T.J. Maxx will be 70% off. It’s my Alien and Sedition Acts Repeal Sale. It’s an overall good deal.
[Laughter]
TOM: That’s all the time I have for today, folks. Feel free to stick around and shop. God bless America.
